I’ve been home for a week now after project ended, and one emotion have been dominating my mind since then - anger. I’ve found myself short-tempered, impatient, and irritated in the past week, specifically at my family. It wasn’t until today until I realized what might be the cause of this.
I spent six weeks surrounded by loving, kind, and Christ-loving people who had the same passion as I do - spreading the word of Christ. For 42 days, I had people to talk to that understood what I value and accepted me for who I am. Of course it was easy to be less tempted and submissive to sin in such an environment where Christ was on my mind and at the center of my actions the majority of my days.
But now I’m back here, where I don’t have that community that comforts and loves me in a Christ-like manner, and where I’m surrounded by the same four people on a daily basis - my family. My family that does not know Jesus, values money before all things, and treats each other with impatience and contempt. It is that lack of a solid Christian community that made me realize what I am called to do.
I could choose to work in a church ministry where there are less temptations and where I could surround myself with Christians on a daily basis. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if I did. And then I think about what would happen if all Christians chose to do that - there needs to be Christians out there in the mix of the darkness. Somehow, the Lord has placed me in this family, amongst these friends, in this professional world where Jesus is nothing but a name, where the cross is used as a fashion accessory, and where the gospel is nearly unheard of. I’m placed here for a reason.
Perhaps it is better to feel anger than apathy - to know that I am still adamant about pursuing the Great Commission. I know this path will be difficult, but I know He will be with me along the way. Project was an amazing learning experience that I will never forget, but now it’s time to face the reality of my life and be a warrior as I embark on this new chapter.
This pretty much sums up my personality :)
I feel so blessed for being granted the perseverance and motivation in the past year in reading the Word :)
One of my all-time favorite albums :)
Today was my first time riding the GO Train from Union Station, surprisingly. After living in Toronto for the past four years, I’ve grown so accustomed to thinking of this city as the home of my school that I’ve forgotten the memories I had growing up here. My dad used to take this very same GO Train to and from work everyday. There was a time when my family did not have as much financial means, and my dad drove a used 1987 Toyota Tercel to the GO station everyday. Being at the Royal Bank Plaza today where my dad worked for nine years, I still remember the first time I got to visit during take your kids to work day in the ninth grade. It felt like just yesterday, but it’s already been eight years. Looking in retrospect, my family has come so far, been to so many places, and done so many things together since those days in Markham. I’m so grateful that we are still one happy family even now, and I am so thankful for these moments where I feel a little closer to my roots and family even amidst being the constant busyness of this city.
I had the wonderful opportunity of babysitting my sister last night and in the few short hours I got to spend with her, I felt like I learned more than I have learned in a long while. A four year-old’s soul is ever so innocent and naive, free from the corruption and terrors of this world. She would ask me endles questions, and when I tell her a white lie to appease her curiosity, she would believe me without a doubt. She asks me for help and hugs me when she is scared. And it is then that I realize that this little girl loves me so much and places so much trust in me. It is a wonder how she grew up so fast - five years ago, I would not event think to picture myself having another sibling, and somehow God knew how much of a blessing she would be to our fast family before we even knew it.
Hearing about the elementary school shooting and seeing the names of all those children murdered breaks my heart into pieces. I came across a picture of a teenager in tears looking for her sister during the shooting and I couldn’t help but imagine myself in her shoes. All those children that brought joy and blessing to their families as my sister does to mine were killed by a selfish and irrational act of violence. Five years ago I couldn’t imagine having a baby sister, but now I can’t imagine not having her. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain and heartache the families of those children experiencing. I pray for the families of those children - that they will be able to overcome this struggle with love and acceptance in their hearts. I pray that the innocent hearts of children in America do not have to be tainted and harmed by violence and hate. I pray that my sister will not have to grow up in a world where shootings become mundane.
A home may be wherever your family is, your house is, or the place you hold closest in your heart. Perhaps some like the comfort of having grown up and lived in the same place for their whole lives, though I prefer the contrary. Although it is still ambiguous as to where I consider my home, I’m glad that I have experienced living in so many different places. Each place has held it’s own unique story and lessons learned; each place makes me feel sentimental thinking about all the memories. Visiting this home of mine makes me miss all that has happened here, though at the same time, I’m glad that I have the chance to move on to a new and exciting place next year. The warmth of knowing that I can come back here whenever I want and still feel the same welcome and love from friends is something that I have been so graciously blessed with. I see all that has changed while I’ve been away, and though it seems like I have missed out, it is also nice to know how well everyone has been doing. I’ll always be proud to have been able to call Jersey my home :). Wherever I am led next, I know that I can trust in Him that it will be a place where I can build a home and continue my journey.
Jeremiah 29:11 - “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
2012 is surprisingly almost over, and looking back at the resolutions I wrote on January 1, I think it is safe to say that I have changed drastically in order to maintain these goals. With only a month left in this year, I hope to continue to remind myself daily of these resolutions. Most people give up or forget about New Year resolutions, but I have been incredibly determined and am thankful for the perseverance I’ve had:
1. Pray pray pray.
3. Control emotions and desires.
4. Be more involved with church and fellowship.
5. Read the bible.
6. Exercise 2-3 times a week.
7. Cook and eat healthier.
8. Be diligent and focused on school.
9. Be thankful for everything I have.
10. Always smile :)
I think my planning for my life has been terrible thus far. Nothing has gone how I thought it would. I think about all the plans I had with a person, or where I wanted to settle down after school, or what mistakes I would want to avoid, and yet they have all failed. Though at the same time, the path my life has taken has gone perfectly despite occasional bumps, no matter how big or small. I try not to plan too far ahead; perhaps I won’t go to law school in New York, or maybe I won’t go to law school at all - I won’t know what happens until it happens. The hardest part is letting go of the plans I’ve made in the past. Although I know they aren’t meant to be, somehow it hurts to realize how badly they have gone and how much I regret. Perhaps wishing something could happen means I’m not trusting enough, and this is definitely something I need to work on.
What a blessed weekend with such amazing people, each with their own gifts and talents :).
“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead,do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully.”
Being in nature with your best friends and wonderful weather is the best feeling in the world :)
Summer is flying by so quickly and out of it came many wonderful memories. It couldn’t be better :)
How I will be when I have to pack up and move in four months D: